A RENAISSANCE

It's been a while since I've written a post. Last week was so filled with insights. The Holy Week was a blessing for me. For months now, I've been trying to change who I am through self- awareness. I should have finalized a resolution for myself last Jan 1 but I was to lazy and I lacked motivation. 

Last week, I watched Yamato Nadeshiko once again. After watching that anime, it hit me. I was so like the character, not that I had a rich aunt or that I was that gorgeous. I felt how she felt. I really had low self esteem for the past years of my existence. I dread when my mother asked me to talk or even order at a fast food. I didn't like going out that much. Especially when I graduated college. I stayed home most of the time. I was comfortable staying at home for a whole week just doing nothing but bum around. I hated it when people stared at me. I began to hate my height and ended up always slouching and walking fast. I didn't believe when people said positive things about me. I'd rather hear negative ones.  I didn't believed in me. I always felt that being invisible was the best. I felt safe in my solitude. For me the outside world was nothing. Being alone was paradise. I was stubborn not to listen to other people's advice.

It was last year that I realized what I was missing out. Exactly after the break-up, I realized that I deserved more than what I thought was OK. My friends made me realize it. I always did thought that I was worthless. So inch by inch, I made changes. I tried to be more open to my loved ones. I tried out things that boost my confidence like auditioning. I fixed my hair, now it's straight. I picked myself up from the rut. For once, I tried what I've never done before and that is looking at myself on a positive perspective. It went on and last week, I finally came up with things that were in me that needed to change or go. I know I messed up big time in the past with my decisions, I choose to no longer dwell in those things rather to look forward for good things to come.

I was more driven than ever to be the best that I can be after hearing the priest's Easter message. He said that there was no reason for looking at oneself negatively since we were all made in the image and likeness of God. He made everything beautiful. The priest further added that there was no reason to be afraid. Knowing that God is always with me to love me despite my imperfections has given me hope and comfort. A relief to my feeling of not belonging. It's never to late to become the best that God wants us to be. We should always see the beauty and the good within us that God sees.

I know in a short span of time there have been changes in who I am and how I am to others and for as long as I am living, I will no longer make excuses for not doing my best. I can safely say that the battle within who I am, who I was and who I wanted to be has already ceased because now, I choose to become better than I was before.  I no longer am that shadow loving, pitiful and world-weary girl. These things though not grand marks my very own renaissance.