Right

It's almost two years since my heart suffered a major blow.

I fell into an abyss filled of self-pity, paranoia, anger, depression and hopelessness.

I lack direction and I did things that only added insult to injury.

Just because I loved someone way more than I loved myself.

I've done crazy and unthinkable things.

Things that comes to haunt me every now and then.

I am never perfect and I'll never be the ideal girl.

Though I suffered and was severed by tragedies and wrong decisions, I am still alive.

Fighting and not letting go of my faith that God will help me.

I pray that as I live off each day, I continue to morph into a better person.

I'm freeing myself of all the negativism.

I will no longer feel sorry for myself.

I don't strive for perfection but I want to make the right decisions in my life.

As for my wounded heart, I guess God has a plan.

I know that in the right time, I will finally find the right man.

And when that time comes, I pray that I will no longer fear the ghosts of my past nor the uncertainties of tomorrow.

180 degree Change

Who would have thought?

I guess nobody reckoned that I've turned out to be a lady, as what a friend of my mother told me when she saw me.

She was constantly smiling at me. She said she knew that moment would come when I would finally join a pageant.

I myself am still dumbfounded by the events that are happening to me.

I have already done fashion shows twice, co hosted an event, gone through screening, survived the motorcade and even walking side by side with Aaron Villaflor, an ABS CBN talent.

I never thought I could do all these things.

For all my years, I never really believed in myself. Though there have been instances that other people would tell me of my potential.

It never dawned on me.

I was constantly battling with self- pity.

I was never positive about myself which caused me a lot in the past.

So far, with the things I've done I have heard positive things.

This past months have been one of the most arduous task ever brought upon me.


I never was comfortable getting a whole lot of attention.


I always sought a life of seclusion and anonymity but I guess with my height, I can never stay invisible.

The girl who grew up being close to guys.

The one who would spend her breaks during  school on top of a tree.

The same girl who used to catch guppies in a canal and who would play tag with guys.

I was boyish from primary until my early years in college.

It was only when I started my graduate studies that I realized that I also need to act like a lady.

Being a kid, I had an excuse why I acted boyish but I was already a grown up. A professional nurse at that.

Yes, it has been a 180 degree change on how I look, on how I carry myself and most importantly on how I saw myself.

However, there are still times when I think negatively about me.

I try to fight my inner demons for I know succumbing to them would only bring me down.

I, now see the real me.

I do hope that all the ordeals that I have to yet conquer will make me better as a daughter, a friend and a nurse.

May all the coming years in my life be a meaningful and beautiful one.

As I embrace my renaissance, I will always keep in my heart who I was before as it will help me to stay grounded.

The 180 degree change is starting and when it ends, I hope that I will become the best woman that I am destined to be as what God had planned for me.

Facing Reality

Earlier today, I was so pissed off which ended with me getting swollen knuckles.

 I was just letting my frustrations go physically that is. Maybe all the emotional burden got the best out of me. 

Last night was the same, I was complaining about how men were. 

A friend said to me last night that I should not keep on digging up the past. I was guilty of it. I never was the type of person who would find closure alone. 

I always needed that the person involved tell me upfront since I'm like that. But I guess sometime, you have to learn to let go on your own. 

Then as I read through the text of He's Just Not That Into You again, there were flashbacks of my past relationship. 

How I wished that I read this book 6years ago I wouldn't have wasted my time with him. I really think that what kept me hanging on to him despite all the things he did was the same with that the battered wife's syndrome. 

A syndrome that involved women thinking overly positive about a relationship that's clearly abusive. Due to the fairy tale concepts that were injected to us when we were young. I myself am guilty of the common line " He will be different tomorrow, he will be better, we will be happier." Probably it has something with one's ego. 

It's hard to accept that you picked the wrong guy and give up all the efforts you made just to keep him with you. Even-though I saw a lot of reasons to break up with him I kept holding on. I ended up being brutally hurt. It was only after the inhumane break up that I realized those things and like what the book said have faith that there is a better man out there for you. 

Despite the small number of good men out there. You will find one if you are only open to it and if you believe. It's no secret. Faith can definitely move mountains. Just hang on and do go for guys who are not in your standards. Keep your standards simple and achievable. 

When I was a teenager I was so damn idealistic which only makes you frustrated as you grow older. About staying in a relationship, it is easy to judge whether or not to hang on to a relationship or to wait for that person. 

If he makes you happy and if he shows that he love you then that man is really in love with you. 

If not, stop making excuses for him. It won't change the fact. You should just give it up and give yourself a chance to find someone better.

 It's better to be single than be with someone who is a burden to you. In all things, always consider yourself before anything else but be sensitive to others as well. 

It is in loving oneself that you learn to love others. It has been said before. 

We all know well the golden rule. Just try to understand it deeper. 

Every person's actions are derived from what is in his mind and heart. Get a clue. Reality maybe harsh. You are in this real world and not some Wonderland. You won't go wrong if you know what makes you happy and have faith in it.

 It's not the circumstances that make men great. It is the choices that we make despite those trivial life events. 

Stop hiding and deceiving yourself. It will not get you anywhere but in a junkyard filled with regrets and sorrow. Listen to what your heart tells you. We have instincts for a reason. 

The basic philosophy that will get you far is simple. If you are happy with it keep it, leave if you're not. 

The world is wide. Don't put yourself in a box. Open up to the world and in return it will do the same to you. Reality >> face it,learn from it and love every moment of it.

I AM MY OWN BOSS

LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT

The power to succeed or fail is yours alone.

You alone have the responsibility to shape your life.

Nothing and no one can deny you greatness once you understand this.

There's no one to stop you but yourself.

No one can cheat you out of ultimate success but you.

More powerful then all the success slogans ever written

is the realization that everyone has but one boss.

That boss is you.

Picture yourself vividly as winning,

and that alone will contribute immeasurably to success. 

I've read this off a site and now I realize how important it is to believe in yourself. How stepping out of your comfort zone can benefit. All my life I was never brave enough to do this that I wanted. I thought too much of others before myself. Somehow I always let others be the boss. It made me down and displeased. Though there were good things that happened along the bossing around but I always felt like there is something missing. On May, I will be doing things that will somehow liberate me from the routinely submissive me. For once, I will believe that I can win. No more doubting in my capacity. I can because I will it to be. I'll be taking on new challenges in my life and I won't shy away from it. I'll fight head on. I will do it or die trying. AJA!!!!! I will fight and it will be a good one. 

TRISTE

Vous me parlez seulement quand vous avez besoin de quelque chose. Personne ne s'inquiète vraiment de moi.

Je devine si je meurs aujourd'hui, ils pleurerai pas parce qu'I' ; morts de m mais le fait qu'ils ont perdu une personne qui peut faire leurs commandes.

Peut-être I' ; m juste une pauvre fille pathétique, essayant d'avoir de vrais amis dans l'Internet. Si assez naïf de croire que le cyberworld sera plus doux et sorte à elle que ceux dans le monde réel.

 

My Missing Valentine

It's gonna be the same Valentines day for me.

Like what my past Valentine birthdays were.

No special date. 

Just me, my family and friends.

Just a simple dinner.

No big events involved.

How I wish I had someone but I can't be impatient.

Things happen for a reason.

I know that there's a guy somewhere out there for me.

The one who will be my valentine for life.

Confessions of A Lone Wolf

(I finally found the time to post this.... )

The start of the year and here I am still doing my best to stand up again from the fall last 2008. It's hard to start from scratch again but nonetheless I'm glad I was able to stay sane. Last year was full of heartaches and it was last year that I realized how devastating love can be.

I hide a lot of things from people I know. I don't tell them my pains and they don't know half of what I've been through. There are those who I've told a few. Funny thing though sometimes I can't control myself and end up telling my life story to strangers. I guess it's easier to tell strangers. I know they won't get hurt with those things.

Emptiness and loneliness have always accompanied me. I don't know why I feel these things when in fact, I have many friends. Maybe I am starting to love those feelings. I am a drama queen but I know you won't believe me. Oftentimes, people would see me smiling and I always appear to be positive about the world. But at the same time, I am so pessimistic when it comes to my own life.

I've never believed in myself. Frequently, I put myself down. Self-pity has always been a master of mine. Though others may say they envy me and the life I live but in reality they're wrong. If they only saw the skeletons in my closet maybe they'd take back what they say. Sometimes, I wished I could live all by myself in a deserted island where no one could find me and live there until I decay. I'd be happy if it came true.

You'd probably think I'm mad. Why would someone choose to live alone. My reason is simple. When you are alone, you won't get disappointed, hurt or frustrated by others. No more lies, deceit, disappointments and rejection. That would be a beautiful dream.

People ask me if I had a boyfriend and more often they won't believe me when I tell them I don't have one. Why don't I have one? It's not that nobody likes me. It's just that I chose to be this way. I'd rather be like this than suffer another heartache. Maybe I am a coward. I just want to play it safe. It's not easy to give my trust again. I was about to change my stand about this thing late last year but just when I was about ready to fall again, I got another blow and it hurt me so badly. I never thought that I'd feel something for that person, with all the hurt I got from my ex, but it did happen. And just like that, I found myself in another heartbreak again. Maybe it's my fate. To love and never be loved. I'll always be caught up in this cycle of I like him but not for him I'm just a wallflower. Sometimes I start to think about taking the easy way out. Saying yes to a guy who I don't have feelings for. But I can't take it. The thought of using someone just to fill up the emptiness is utterly pathetic.

2009 is a new year. A new chance to create a better story on a clean slate. If there are things that I'd like to change it would be to have more faith on myself and to avoid being cynical, thinking that all guys are made to hurt and disappoint. I so badly wish that before my birthday comes I would not be as empty and hurt as now. I'm scared of getting hurt again. I don't want to go on every night deceiving others that I am happy when in fact I'm lost and melancholic. I'm tired of being the emotional lone wolf that I am now. My best friend tells me not to get impatient but it's so hard to wait. I of all people should know the value of patience. Most of the mistakes that I did in the past were out of impulsiveness. It did great damage to my life. I don't want to be caught doing those mistakes all over again. I wish that this year I would no longer feel this emptiness within me. I'm praying that as I face this year, I will be able to smile not only when people are around me but also when I am alone.