missing you

It's 3:35 AM, I am still awake.

Waiting for your shadow to cast upon me.

I miss you. It feels like im in a ghost town .

I wish that you were near.

I wish you were here.

If you knew how I felt, what would you say?

Now that we're apart, do you feel the same way?

I'm scared and worried. My soul has been restless.

I  pray thee well.

As my body grows tired, I must lay my worries aside.

For even in my slumber, thoust that I think of.

Til then, I have to say farewell and close my eyes as the rain slowly falls on my window pane.

For tomorrow, I will still await for thee...

(just made this up... pls.. comment on it...)

A NEW MORNING (MISA DE GALLO)

Last night was a sad one for me. I felt lonely and I began to wallow in what other's may call the Holiday blues. I began to think that this Christmas would be like the past Christmas. While I was online, I fell asleep and I woke up to the voice of my sister saying it was time to go to the Misa de Gallo.

Misa de Gallo is the Spanish phrase for Midnight mass, more literally translated as "Rooster's Mass".It is said that the "Rooster's Mass" owes its name to the idea that a rooster would have been among the first to witness the birth of Jesus, and thus be the one to announce it.

As the mass started, I was still a bit sleepy and sad. Then after the readings came the homily. The priest started to talk and he kept on reiterating  "And morning came...". At first it was a bit annoying but then he explained it later on. He said that today was a new morning. We should start pondering on what each morning means to us. Like in the bible, a new morning meant another day of creation was done or when Peter denied Jesus and the cock had crow. It was after his homily that I started to think about how I felt every morning was as Christmas is approaching.

Most of those who are away from their loved ones may feel the same way as I did. As the day continue to grow so does our sadness. We start to think that Christmas is just like another ordinary day. WE become drenched in negativeness. We think that we are all alone for various reasons. Some maybe sad because the are far from their family. Others maybe sad because the have no special someone to celebrate the season with. I personally felt sad because of those things. My mother is in the U.S and we haven't spent Christmas with her for two years already and my father is with another family. I don't have a special someone as well. For the past two years, I have been spending Christmas with nobody else but my sister. Last year, we were not able to go to the Misa de Gallo and even the Christmas Eve mass because my sister had her appendectomy. I was busy caring for her since her movements and activities were limited.  I was sad last year though I received gifts and had a delicious Noche buena. I kept on remembering these things til yesterday. I thought that this Christmas would be blue like last year. The homily made me think otherwise.

Every morning is always a brand new start. It signals the end of a day and the start of a new one. Christmas is not about who you're with  or what you have but with who you have. It should always be a celebration of love. You have all the reason to be happy. God gave up his precious son for us. That alone is good reason to be happy and it doesn't matter whether your far from your loved one or that you don't have a love life. We should be thankful for the people we have that continues to love us. Christmas should be a celebration of the gift of life. God blessed us with wonderful people around us yet we continue to take them for granted. We keep on focusing on ourselves or material stuffs that we fail to recognize that we have the best gifts. Our life, our family, our friends and Jesus. These  gifts are more than for us to be happy in a lifetime. Through them we feel how God loves us. A constant reminder of how blessed we are despite the problems and troubles that we face.

For those who are feeling blue think about these things. Keep in mind that every morning is a new day. A new opportunity to make your life and another person's life better. A new gift from God that should be enjoyed. Add and multiply happiness and subtract sadness this Christmas and for all the days to come. It is only you that can give yourself the one of the most priceless gift and that is true happiness.

The World's Most Communicable Disease

There is a funny story in circulation about an optimistic farmer who wouldn't wait to greet each new day with a resounding, "Good morning, God!" He lived near a woman whose morning greeting was more like, "Good God... morning?" They were each a trial to the other. Where he saw opportunity, she saw problems. Where he was satisfied, she was discontented.

One bright morning he exclaimed, "Look at the beautiful sky! Did you see that glorious sunrise?"
"Yeah," she countered. "It'll probably get so hot the crops will scorch!"

During an afternoon shower, he commented, "Isn't this wonderful? Mother Nature is giving the corn a drink today!"

"And if it doesn't stop before too long," came the sour reply, "we'll wish we'd taken out
flood insurance on the crops!"

Convinced that he could instill some awe and wonder in her hardened attitude, he bought a remarkable dog. Not just any mutt, but the most expensive, highly-trained and gifted dog he could find. The animal was exquisite! It could perform remarkable and impossible feats which, the farmer thought, would surely amaze even his neighbor. So he invited her
to watch his dog perform.

"Fetch!" he commanded, as he tossed a stick out into a lake, where it bobbed up and down in the rippling water. The dog bounded after the stick, walked ON the water, and retrieved it.

"What do you think of that?" he asked, smiling.

"Hmmm," she frowned. "Can't swim, can he?"

Sometimes I think that negative thoughts are the world's most communicative diseases. More catching than any known virus, and just as deadly. But an attitude of awe and wonder can be just as contagious!

The only difference between a good day and the bad day is ATTITUDE.

Which will you be spreading today?

* THIS WAS TAKEN OUT OF A BOOK ON INSPIRATIONAL STORIES

When Perfect is Wrong

So we all want the "PERFECT ONE". I have to admit, I'm one of those. Yup, i hate to blurt it out but i am a hopeless romantic. One with a naive thought of what love should be. I blame it on fairy tales. We all grew up thinking that such stories are real and that it will eventually happen to us.  My past relationships  definitely had no fairytale ending. It was more like that of a horror flick in which I end up being brutally killed.

A funny thing about love is that we often fall for someone who  we think is perfect for us but we end up getting hurt. I think most of us have experienced this. Life is crazy as it is and not even a million of years can prepare us for it. The thing that makes life exciting and worth while are its surprises. LOVE makes life sweet. It gives us a reason to continue. Though it's filled with complexities,what's more important is not on finding the perfect one for us but showing them that we can do our best to love perfectly even though were only humans.

A Letter of Apology

It was last Sunday when the priest from the mass said that the year is coming to an end and that we need to change to prepare ourselves for the coming of the Messiah. This year was a whirlwind of events for me and the biggest hurt I got was from my ex. He found a new girl and I knew it way before he told me. I was so outraged by what he did that I said bad things not only to him but also to her new girl. People can become so illogical and unreasonable when anger overpowers them. Our last phone call ended up with me calling him " Walang Kwenta" and me slamming the phone. I guess it didn't end up so well. From then on I said to myself that forgiving him is impossible. Now here I am. It has been almost 6 months since that call. I've finally decided to send my apologies and make things less burdensome for me. I know Yani and my other friends will tell me, "You're crazy, don't forgive that jerk!!". I so know them well. So why am I apologizing when I was the one who got cheated upon? It took me a long time to realize somethings about our past relationship.

I cannot completely blame him nor can I completely say that I had no fault. Maybe I had shortcoming which led him to do such thing to me or maybe I'm just intellectualizing in order for me to justify what he did. What happened? Who got hurt more? Who lost? These things don't matter to me. What I'm giving importance is that he apologized to me. Who am I not to forgive? I'm just a human being myself, I also have my own fair share of mistakes and rash doings. I cannot go on hating others. I would only mean taking a part of me and burying it in my past. Forgiving means being free from hurt. Relieving yourself of a burden brought about by a conflict. Resolving the pain by letting go of the bitterness. Placing your soul at ease knowing that you have no enemies. Whether or not he was truly sorry for what he did to me, I forgive him and in return that act is a kind act to myself. Nothing is lost when you forgive. Keeping your ego's integrity means nothing. It's saving relationships that matter more. It is appreciating what's meaningful way before those conflicts. It's reviving a lost friendship.

If you're curious about my apology... I have written it here...

To make things right for me this coming year, I'd like to send out my apologies to you and your girlfriend. What I blurted out was from pure hurt and anger. I acted out impulsively. I have said hurtful things and if it hurt you, I'm sorry bout it. It's not easy being dumped so informally. If I had any shortcomings, I'd like to apologize. I said before that I'd never forgive you. If you knew me well enough, you'd know that I'm not the type who'd hold a grudge to anyone not even to those who have caused me much pain. Though you have denied me, I have never regretted anything. Somehow you have helped me to become where I am now. I'm more stronger. From this point, I'd hope that if somehow our paths cross, there be no more pain and resentment. For making me a better person that I am now, I am forever grateful. I hope though that next year hopefully by April, I can get all the photos that I gave you. I'd rather have them back since I know it would be of no use to you at all and in return I'll be giving back those jerseys you gave me before. I know it is somehow important to you to have those things back also with your elementary ID. Please tell Leah that I am truly sorry for whatever I have said to her. Sincerely, I wish you guys the best. I do hope this message will be enough sorry for the both of you....

JOI GIN,

PAU

That was how my apology went. I mean it's not perfect. I'm no ace in writing anyways as long as I got my message across...

The Truth About Cinderella

Every girl dreams of one day becoming a princess like Cinderella, of living happily ever after with a prince charming...

Everybody is familiar with Cinderella. A popular fairytale about a young woman living in unfortunate circumstances which suddenly change to remarkable fortune.  A mistreated and impoverished girl. We all know the details of this tale. We all know about the fairy god mother, the glass slippers and the prince charming.

Most of us dream of that day when we will finally have our happily ever after where will have a fantastic castle, a beautiful kingdom and a loving prince. It is not a sin to dream for those. We all want to be happy. We all want to die knowing that we have found a true and lasting love.

We became so drenched in this fairytale that we ended up wishing for the same luck with that of Cinderella. We go on living from day to day waiting for our prince. A far fetched reality. Cinderella is nothing more but a fairy tale. It will never be reality. In this lifetime, we may find a couple of princes who would promise us a happy ever after but in the end all we're left are nothing but tragedies. That' s reality. Nothing but a dream. Not everyone can become a Cinderella. Most of us are faced with harsh facts.

Cinderella exists only in the fantasy world and it will stay that way. We are all princesses in our own right. We and Cinderella are alike. We live in a despicable world. We may have our own version of the evil stepmother. From day to day we continue to struggle. We continue doing chores just to make things better for us. We fight each day with the help of our friends. We all continue struggling to find for our fairy God mother. The one who'll free us from this world's misery. Our prince may not come after us as we run across the stairs as the has clock struck 12. He may not care at all after the dance and just throw away our glass slippers.

Whether or not we end up with both of the glass slippers,

Whether or not we end up finding our prince,

Whether or not we have a happy ever after ending,

We must make it a point that somehow in our lives we live like a princess and not just a lowly servant of this world.

We have in us all the power to make things come true and the truth is that...

We are our own fairy God mothers, we ourselves can make or break our own fairytale ending.

An Open Letter (for those who are Single)

I was reading a book by Richard Gosse entitled How to Find a Lasting Relationship and I managed to come across these two open letters. It was funny so I thought that I should share this with you.

----------------------------
AN OPEN LETTER TO SINGLE MEN
----------------------------
I'm a single woman looking for the right man for a romantic relationship. It's discouraging sometimes. You can make things a lot easier for me by doing the following:

1. Don't stay at home--I'll never be able to meet you.
2. Make yourself available by going to places that I frequent.
3. Don't be afraid to approach me. You're doing me a favor by breaking the ice.
4. Give me the same privilege of initiating contact with you.
5. Don't expect me to hop into bed just because you feel turned
on. I may not feel like it. And don't think that I owe you my
body just because you took me out on a date or bought me a
drink.
6. When we first meet, don't tell me I'm the most beautiful
woman you've ever met or that you are madly in love with me.
I'm not dumb enough to swallow that.
7. Don't talk to me like I'm one of the guys in the locker room.
I'm not.
8. Control your drinking. Too much booze makes you very
unattractive to me.
9. Please be patient and wait for me. Don't marry someone wrong
for you before I have a chance to meet you.


Sincerely,
Ms. Right
------------------------------
AN OPEN LETTER TO SINGLE WOMEN
------------------------------
I am a single man looking for someone special for a loving relationship. It isn't easy. You can facilitate things for me by doing the following:

1. Don't stay at home--I'll never be able to meet you.
2. Make yourself available by going to places I frequent.
3. If you're open to meeting me, let me know. A smile, eye
contact, standing or sitting next to me are all ways of
tipping me off that you find me attractive.
4. Take the initiative. I may be too shy to say hello, but that
doesn't mean I don't want to meet you.
5. Don't expect me to be witty, charming, clever or profound in
the first four minutes we talk. Give me time to relax and
find something we have in common.
6. Don't judge me harshly because you've had bad experiences
with other men. I am a unique person and deserve to be
treated accordingly.
7. Don't be on the defensive if I approach you. I know some guys
are rotten,but I'm different.

8. Don't assume that I want to go to bed with you. I might want
to get to know you first.
9. Don't be a tease and pretend you want to sleep with me if you
don't.
10. Don't play hard to get. I only have so much nerve and
motivation. I may give up on you quickly unless you give me
some encouragement.
11. Please be patient and wait for me. What a tragedy it would be
if you married the wrong person before you got a chance to
meet me.

Sincerely,
Mr. Right

Poetry from my past

here's a free verse poem i made last Feb 28,2008..

Here I am...

A year older yet I don't feel like I've done a lot in my life.

What's ahead for me is still vague.

What lies beyond, I can't foretell.

My soul is wounded.

I don't know if I can go on.

Do i pretend to be happy?

when the one I love doesn't even give a damn about me.

I loved him with no conditions but he chose to be without me.

I would not know right now if he's miserable like me or happy to be free from me.

Am I that worthless for you not to spare even a second of your time?

You're cold and hurtful yet, to my agony your the only cure.

How do I go on?

When you have left me here with nothing at all.

Where Home Is...

It's been a while since my sister and I went to our hometown. Last October 27, we went to Ormoc City. The place where I have spent more than 16 years of my life. the last time I was there was i guess Jan 4 of this year. When we arrived there it was still pitch black. It was only 4a.m. if I'm not mistaken. The wind was cold and the city was quite as it was always when got off the ship. As I ventured onto the streets, I saw new buildings. Quite clearly, somethings have changed in the city physically.

As we got home after a short walk from the pier. I saw our house (my lola's house actually). I was ambivalent. I was happy that we were back in Ormoc and yet sad at the same time. It was unlike my previous homecomings. Neither my mother nor father were there to pick us up at the pier. Our house was filled with dust and cobwebs. It was all messed up from the robbery. A lot of things were stolen. For me, those stuff didn't matter that much. What I was missing was our home. I was only looking at a house and nothing more  than a structure built for people to be protected from nature but it was no longer home for me.

Nothingness in that house. I miss those good old times. A couple of years back coming to Ormoc was such a momentous day for me. It was like a sanctuary for me. A relief from the stresses in college. I was able to enjoy the simple things like sleep in the living room while my mother was preparing a meal or going out for a meal with the whole family. I was able to relive those days when I was still a kid. I'd play with my dogs or look at the stars and the trees while sitting in the balcony (which is still not done) during night. A lot of things have changed.

Every year that I went home, I began to saw changes. Those changes struck me the most recently. I no longer felt at home. I felt like I was a stranger in Ormoc City. Although I know that change in Ormoc is quite slow but for me it has been drastic  that is in relation with my life and my connection with the place. Quite frankly, if you were to ask me if I'd prefer a vacation in Ormoc or stay in Cebu, my answer would be I rather stay in Cebu. Going back to Ormoc is heart breaking really. The reason why I go there are gone already. My parents are not there. Most of my childhood friends have moved elsewhere. My pets are all gone. The house is a wreck. I've become a stranger in my own hometown. Nothings the same at it was before. It was not the same place that I used to love. The warmth of coming home is gone. The experience woke me up. I realized that in the coming years, more things will change. Maybe one day, I will no longer feel at home here in Cebu. Maybe those familiar things that I love will also be gone.

We are all travellers in this lifetime. There are places that have been a part of who we are now. What's important is that we keep a morsel of those journeys in our heart. So that even if we turn into unfamiliar faces in our own hometown, we'd still know how it felt like to be at home. For in all of our journeys, what's essential is the heart of the traveller because within that heart lies our home.

Sweet Sorrow

"Parting is such sweet sorrow" as said by Romeo in Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. Last night, we had a send off party for Bel. It made me think of leaving and how it is bittersweet. Bitter because distance may cause two friends to become complete strangers and sweet for I know that leaving means something better for that person who is leaving. Leaving is not easy. You leave those who are dear to you. Then I recall on those who have left me and those I left. My older sister was for me the greatest loss in our family. She died when I was 8y.o. She was just 12. This has left me wounded yet after all those years that have gone by, I have completely healed. Parting is one rudimentary of life. People come and go everyday. We are left with no choice but to welcome these changes. For those who have left fare thee well... For the people whom I have left in my past, I'm sorry but my purpose was to make myself better. I hope and pray for courage and strength to accept whatever departures that I will be facing in my life. ©

Me as of Now

Me as of now? Who am I now? What have I become?When I think of who I am now, I think of what I've been through. For the past months I've been through a roller coaster ride my life. 


I've learned that no matter how you plan out your life to be, there are things you can't control. 


It reminded me that I was only human. 


As for the heartbreak, yes, I've lost him. He decided to leave me and go with another girl. He said it was because of distance but I know it was a poor excuse. I admittedly became sad because of what he did. I am only human and I really did love him. I was a shipwreck then, so devastated with what he had decided upon.


Thanks to my family, friends and of course God, I am slowly picking myself up and I've come to realize that I deserved somebody better. 


As I bid farewell to our memories, I open my door to the world of new opportunities, I am now seeing a lot of things. With the experience of a reality show audition, I've started to place high regard on myself. I know in the past years, I've always had negativism to what I could be. Always putting myself down. 


Self-pity was definitely my second nature back then. Now, I realize all the things that I really am, with that I am more strong and brave. I can say that I am ready for another batch of tests God has in store for me. 


For as long as I have those who love me, I'll never give up. I'll make the best out of my life.


 As for love, heartbreaks are there but I know one day, the real prince will reveal himself to me. I know that it won't be the ideal ending of "happy ever after" but I know when the right time comes I will be in love with a prince that will be with me throughout my lifetime.This is me as of now, alone but not lonely, wounded yet continues to fight, fallen but still optimistic and ready for new challenges in this lifetime.

The Art of Letting Go

Live every moment of your life.

People often times dwell on the negativism that have occurred in their life. They end up living in a small nook in the big room of life. When your life's drenched in sorrow and pain, you just need to look around you. The world won't stop for you to take up the broken pieces back. Time fades. Life is much beautiful if you fill yourself with positivity. Often than not, we misconstrue our lives. We fail to see that there are more things to be grateful about. I hate waking up early in the morning yet I love the morning. It is a reminder that I am still alive and that I still have the opportunity that others don't have anymore. If somebody broke your heart, don't go hating on him/her. Wasting time for a person who doesn't value you will only mean giving part of your precious life. When you're down and out, when you feel the whole world is going against you and when you feel there's no reason for living. You should just let go of it and continue living. You can have a good life if you will it to be. Give yourself a chance to be happy.